‘What Would I Say To A Friend?’: Using The Compassion We Show To Others On Ourselves.

Growing up, I was my own worst enemy. In my view, I was either not good enough or not doing enough. I would feel that if I did not achieve a perfect outcome, which ultimately only existed in the warped mindset that I held at the time, then I had to continue striving to push myself harder. When it came to the ways that I thought about my own problems, I would focus solely on how I could do better, dismissing thoughts which suggested that I was doing all I could or that my issues were not all entirely under my control. This overly self-critical mindset that I had was reflected in all sorts of problems, which ranged from personal to global. If I got low marks on an exam, no thought crossed my mind that I had tried my best or that the test had been a useful process — my sole aim was to put myself down. If I watched a documentary about world poverty, I could not comprehend the idea that this was not my personal responsibility, and I would beat myself up about spending too much money or not being grateful enough for the things I had. These thought patterns that I once had might sound fanciful, but the perfectionism that I sought after in both my character and performance was very much real, and was a vital factor in what ultimately led to my breakdown.

During my time in hospital and the psychiatric ward, I had a lot of time for self-reflection. I tried to figure out where things had gone wrong, and I noticed that there was a significant disparity between the way I interpreted my own problems compared to the empathy I showed to others when interpreting theirs. My default when I would speak to friends and family would be to search for reasons why they were being critical of themselves and aim to rectify the errors in their thought patterns. It never would have occurred to me to tell a loved one that they needed to do more or be more — my only aim when comforting them was to help them to see that they were enough as they were. The way in which I spoke to others about their issues could not have contrasted more to how I spoke to myself. At the time of this realisation, my desperation to speed up my recovery meant that I was solely focused on how I could reflect the compassion that I show to those around me onto myself.

The answer to that query came when my therapist suggested that whenever I realised that I was being hard on myself, I should ask ‘What would I say to a friend in this situation?’. This was a bit of a eureka moment for me. Since that comment, I have practiced using this question every time I have noticed a thought that I deemed to be overly self-critical. Slowly, I got better and better at using the empathetic understanding that I showed to others when processing my own thoughts. It got to the point that asking the question had become my default mode of operating, so I did not even have to consciously use the process anymore. I just found that when self-deprecating thoughts came into my head, I would challenge them in the same way that I would challenge the opinions of others who were beating themselves up unnecessarily. Using this method has meant that I am now in a position to reason more effectively and be fair with myself, rather than experiencing the constant mental restraints that came with my previous relentless pursuit of perfectionism.

Speaking to others, I have realised that it is not just me who experiences this contrast in the way that we interpret our own problems compared to those around us. The question of why this disparity exists is an interesting one. Maybe it is to do with the fact that living in a meritocratic capitalist society means we are consistently fed a narrative that who we are or what we have is never enough. In schools there is a constant emphasis on our performance rather than effort — that surely should be factored into this discussion. We are constantly told to be kind to others — what about ourselves? At this point, though, I am just theorising. I also believe that it is more important to focus on how we can limit the contrast between the way we interpret our problems compared to those of others, rather than asking why such a contrast exists. Asking ‘how’ in this situation means we are left with answers that can really make a difference to our happiness and the way we live our lives. Asking ‘why’ leads to and answers that are drawn will typically have to be implemented societally, rather than within our personal lives. So, ‘how’ can we be kinder to ourselves? Well, next time you’re in a situation where you find yourself being overly self-critical, ask yourself ‘what would I say to a friend in this situation?’. There is no quick solution when it comes to mental health and different methods work for different people, but it’s worth sharing those that work for you in the hope that they can also help others.